On October 7th parents far and away stared at their screens as the news broke of a 14-year-old-boy being stabbed to death at his Hamilton school. While people were horrified and saddened, many parents were not shocked. I was one of them.

The parents who were interviewed and said they couldn’t believe this happened are out of touch. They’re probably the parents of kids who bully others.

As parents of a boy who suffered at the hands of another child, we know the daily pain he felt, the frustration we felt, and our seemingly endless inability to get him help. In our case, our child was only six. Tormented from the first day of grade one by a child in grade two, it quickly escalated from teasing to name calling, poking, pushing, taking his supplies, destroying his work, spreading lies about him, and making him oink like a pig before allowing him to eat his lunch. Then she began recruiting others to help torment him.

The school told us repeatedly that it was merely acts of childhood meanness, and not bullying. That was despite the poster in the school office of what constitutes bullying and a checklist, which we could tick every point on. It took us multiple calls, school visits, calls and emails to the superintendent and the school board trustee, and even a call to the Minister of Education, over eight months before the school dealt with the bullying.

For our son’s eight months of torture, his bully was given an in-school suspension for one day.  The bully had to sit in front of our son and was told to apologize – which she refused to do. And a week later it started again. This time it was her and her best friend tormenting him daily. And again the school refused to help, saying that if they stepped in, he’d develop a victim mentality. Ironic, considering he was already a victim.

Yes, it was a “her”. His bully was a girl a year older than him. All the vice-principal could tell us about her was that she was mad our son was smarter than her; she had always been the smartest kid in the class and she didn’t like it. And we heard around the school that her family had moved to the school the year before because her sister was bullied so extensively that they wanted a fresh start. Their fresh start was the start of our hell.

The parents never spoke to anyone in our family. They never made her come and apologize. They never said sorry to our son, my husband or I. We came face to face with them more than once and their startled expressions and quick departure told us they knew who we were, but never a word.

As a member of the school’s parent council for multiple years, I know that the school had an annual budget for anti-bullying. Each year, the principal begrudgingly reminded council of how much they needed for the assembly or speaker that they planned to bring in that year. Then they would talk with excitement about the new team shirts they needs for sports, or instruments for the music program. They hated that they were required to spend funds on educating the students about anti-bullying, and they made their annoyance obvious.

So who does the responsibility of stopping bullying lie with? The parents who are raising these bullies? The schools where bullying begins? The politicians who appoint the Minister of Education who refused to help or hear how many people’s stories? The police who told us they’re just kids and the school should help?

The impact the bullying had on our child is a long story – and not the point of this article. We all know the horrific result of the bullying suffered by Devan Bracci-Selvey. Where does it end? Who else has to lose their child, or watch them suffer, before things change?

While we hope that no other child suffers from the results of bullying, there is no stop in sight. No one is taking responsibility for it. Some schools deny it happens in their hallways and on their grounds, or begrudgingly file their paperwork and turn a blind eye.

There is no easy solution, but before bullies start routinely taking arms into our schools, we need to open up and discuss it. And every single parent needs to look at their child.
Are they a victim? Or maybe a bully?
How will you be a part of the change that needs to happen?