ARIES (March 21 to April 19): You've seen your savings grow during these long months of lockdown. Now's the time to put that money to work. A daring investment will be worth your while.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20): If anyone ever needed a vacation, it’s you. Opportunities to get away are few and far between; if you want to do something nice, be prepared to pay. How much have you got, anyway? $300?

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20): You've been struggling with a difficult decision. Don't be afraid to ask for help. We all deserve what makes us happy.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22): "A friend in need is a friend indeed." Mid-tier British alt-rockers Placebo uttered those prescient words 23 years ago, and they have never been truer. Ask yourself: if my friend were in need, would I answer the call?

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22): As the newly elected prime minister of Canada, you now possess unlimited political power. The choice before you is whether to wield it for good, or evil. Listen to your conscience. It's telling you to deposit three crisp one hundred dollar bills into the pocket of every man, woman and child in this country, starting with contributors to Modern Mississauga magazine.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): The fall equinox brings a period of self-reflection. That last big impulse buy... is it making you happy, really? Say you pawned it off on old man Jakub down the street. How much do you think you could get for it? Two or three hundred bucks?

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): As Mercury moves into retrograde, it's time to think about practising gratitude. What are you thankful for? Family? Friends? Health care workers? The partially-opened container of McDonalds limited-edition BTS-branded Cajun dipping sauce that someone with the username "SauceDaddy89" is selling on eBay for $300?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): As the air cools, let fiery passion reign. If you're not channeling the smouldering energy of BTS heartthrob J-Hope in the 2021 record-breaking smash hit "Butter," you're not trying hard enough.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Ignore the haters. Rest assured I will NOT be using the $300 to purchase a commercial-grade pail of horse dewormer. Did Craig tell you that? That guy has no idea what he's talking about. Why would I spend three hundred of your hard-earned dollars on fake medication? You can basically walk into a Swiss Chalet at this point and get a free, effective, empirically-validated vaccine with your quarter chicken dinner. God, Craig, you’re such a Sagittarius.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): What is this, a mer-goat? Hard pass.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Fortune favours the bold, but you know the bold make their own fortune. This autumn, a special charm brings additional luck. Keep your eye out for a forgotten heirloom, a new mantra, or the tangy zing of a sauce that captures the long, proud heritage of the Acadians, driven out of their ancestral homeland to South Korea, their story immortalized by unstoppable boy band BTS -- a sauce now available in near-mint condition for the competitive price of $300.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20): Autumn, the season of death, the beautiful decay before the nothingness of winter. Your horoscope, like that of all the signs of the Zodiac, is interwoven with the passing of the seasons, the indifferent march of time blind to both your destiny and your dreams. Reflect now on the transience of life, the fading of all things. The leaves change before they fall, and so must you. I accept PayPal and etransfer.