9 Signs it's the Holidays

Wondering if it's the Holidays? Put down that calendar, aka "the Devil's Horoscope"! Just look for these nine indisputable signs.

1. Aunt Myrtle is back in town.
When you wake up to the chittering sound of pointed teeth and the feeling of stale breath on your face; when, gripping the sheets, you force your eyes open, only to catch a fleeting glimpse of a malformed shadow beneath the window; then count your lucky stars, because when Aunt Myrtle returns from her trip through the cosmic void, it can mean only one thing: the Holidays are here, baby! Remember to leave out a saucer of one part cat food, two parts English toffee so she knows it's safe to burrow through an electrical outlet and live between your walls.

2. Gifts start appearing under the tree.
Consider this a twofer -- you should have realized something was up the minute a tree started growing through your floor. If you somehow failed to get the message (pandemic life is crazy, we get it), there's no way you can miss the oddly-shaped, brightly-wrapped boxes growing from its roots like abominable tubers. Once puddles of dark, rank liquid begin forming beneath the gifts, you know the good times are about to begin! Just make sure they've finished leaking before you pick them. Your friends will thank you.

3. Doug Ford is taking a well-earned vacation.
Just kidding. Doug Ford shows up to work like four days a year, max. His presence at Queen's Park is completely useless for determining if it's the Holidays, and everything else.

4.  Your family starts giving you "the look."
You know the one: lips moistened, tummies rumbling, eyes glistening as they picture you marinating in your own juices at an even 350 degrees for three to four hours. If you are a turkey who, through a series of increasingly unlikely misunderstandings, acquired a human spouse and children, there's no surer sign that the Holidays are upon us!

5. COVID cases are on the rise.
What's to blame -- poor planning? Incomprehensible public health policies? Willful blindness? Unchecked personal and political hubris? Yes. Nothing says "the Holidays" like breathing deeply of each other's germ-ridden air before kicking-off 2023 with another lockdown. Let's do this!
I kid, I kid! (Or do I?)

6. All of your childhood favourites are back on Netflix.
Booted up Netflix lately and noticed that the usual selection of Korean dramas and 90s reboots nobody asked for have been replaced by more festive fare? That's a good sign that the Holidays are right around the corner. Gremlins, Die Hard 2, Halloween, season 3 of Kung Fu: The Legend Continues... now that's a marathon I wouldn't mind running!

7. Mariah Carey has emerged from her chrysalis.
It's one of nature's most mesmerizing sights: once a year, on the cusp of the Holiday season, Mariah Carey claws her way out of the chrysalis in which she has spent the last 11 months. Once dry, she flexes her unique sound-producing membranes to serenade onlookers with her characteristic song. Then, when the Holidays have passed, Mariah will liquefy herself inside a new chrysalis until it's time for next year's royalty cheques. Nature is truly miraculous!

8. It's Black Friday at Uncle Lou's Discount Tooth and Bone Emporium!
Completely renovated following that unfortunate incident with Aunt Myrtle, Uncle Lou's is back and better than ever! That's right, the pandemic may have kicked us in the teeth but make no bones about it -- this Mississauga institution has the selection, expertise and low prices to meet your every osteological need! Femur got you down? Grab a few more! Feeling a little humerus instead? Got those too. While you're here, trade in a few phalanges or browse our expansive selection of second-hand molars. Find us beneath the full moon on a clear, cold evening in abandoned lots throughout the city. We'll be waiting!

9. Despite everything, your heart is filled with joy.
Sounds bad. You should probably get that checked.