Nine Magical Movie Nights

As the weather warms up and COVID restrictions wind down, now's the perfect time to stay as far away as humanly possible from the unmasked, germ-ridden strangers who would like nothing better than to blow fetid gasses out of their mouths and into the orifices of your face. But whoever said a night "in" has to be a strike "out"?
Here are nine movie recommendations that will turn any sultry summer evening into a blockbuster!

Date Night
As an upstanding person who values their health and well-being over the asinine drudgery of worldly affairs, you are no doubt extremely attractive to members of the same and/or opposite sex.  If a romantic evening is in the cards, nothing turns up the heat like a classic motion picture. Surprise your lover with a warm glass of wine, a can of beans, and the slow-burn erotic tension of The Fast and the Furious (2001), starring Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

Family Movie Night
If your night is looking a little more PG, we have just the movie for you. Round up the kids, pop a whole cob of corn, and settle in for a family-friendly thrill ride with the 2003 smash hit 2 Fast 2 Furious. Worried it might be a bit too fast and furious for the little ones? Don’t worry -- Vin Diesel's not in this one.

Sushi Night
Who doesn't love a good sushi? This Japanese dish of cucumber, cream cheese and fish in the shape of crab is taking Canada by storm. For an authentic experience, order yours "al dente" -- we don't know what it means, but we know it's delicious! For an impeccable pairing, watch the exotic The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006). You'll find yourself "drifting" off to the untamed streets of Tokyo before you can say "arrivederci!"

A Child's Birthday Party
Forgot your kid's birthday? Don't beat yourself up. Entertaining a child (age 3-17) is simple: just FaceTime some close friends and throw on the crowd-pleasing 2009 favourite Fast & Furious, starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Michelle Rodriguez and John Ortiz. The 17th-highest grossing film of 2009 is 107 minutes of pure kid-stupefying adrenaline. Who knew parenting was so easy?

Netflix and Chill
The kids are in bed, the wine is warm, the beans are baked… time to turn on the TV, crank up the AC, and "Netflix and chill." You and your special someone will appreciate the white-knuckle suspense of Fast Five (2011), the romantic thriller that introduced the world to the unforgettably suave Dwayne Johnson, played by former WWE superstar The Rock.

Getting Sloppy with the Boys
Forget what those prudes on the Supreme Court are saying — everybody has the right to get a little sloppy now and then, especially in stressful times like these. Invite the boys over and slap on Fast & Furious 6 (2013) for a night so sloppy you won’t soon forget it, no matter how hard you try.

Self-isolating Because You Got COVID
Wait, weren't we trying to avoid self-isolating by preemptively self-isolating? What happened? Maybe got a bit too sloppy with the boys? Soothe your shame and take your mind off the nebulous health complications awaiting you with the gentle, feel-good hit Furious 7 (2015), notable for being the final appearance of Paul Walker following his tragic death. (His character was later recast with Jason Statham.)

Me Time
Sometimes all you need is some time alone with your thoughts. Just kidding! Drown out that pesky inner monologue with the critically-acclaimed 2017 blockbuster The Fate of the Furious (2017). This harrowing film marks the final appearance of The "Dwayne Johnson" Rock as DSS Agent Luke Hobbs. (His character was later recast with Jason Statham.)

You Wake Up in the Middle of the Night, Paralyzed by Dread, and Cannot Go Back to Sleep
We've all been there. Pour yourself a stiff milk and ponder this conundrum: in a world of permanent sickness, where the elderly and young are sacrificed at the altar of profit by emotionally malnourished middle-aged men, is there a place for rest and relaxation? Some say that now is not the time for frivolity: now comes the age of anarchy and mass protest. But, we're not those guys. We say, embrace your existential malaise with a solo viewing party of F9 (2021), the latest in the long-running "Fast and Furious" franchise, which introduces wrestling man John Cena in the role that made him famous.