If you’re like me and love the outdoors but wasn’t born rich, you know that few things are more valuable in this world than a generous friend with a cottage. Though I’ll never complain about sitting lakeside on the porch of a multi-million-dollar, four-season Muskoka property that stretches the definition of the term “summer home”, I’m also just as happy sitting by a run-down shack on an algae-ridden lake that took me a day to drive to. What matters is that after being cooped up in the city for over a year thanks to COVID-19, we all could use a bit of time lakeside.

And if you want to ensure that you get a coveted golden ticket lakeside this summer, I thought I’d put together a few recommendations for increasing your odds of an invite and ensuring that you’re asked back. As someone who has just put these steps into action, I can vouch for their effectiveness and confidently say that I should be escaping the GTA summer heat with a smile on my face, a beer in my hand, and my feet dangling in the lake.

1. Provide the Wheels
“If you can’t be the destination, be the journey.”

The 2021 Subaru Forester at home in its natural element

Simple math here folks: if they’re hosting for the weekend, then the least that you can do is be their chauffeur. If you don’t own a car like me, get creative! I write car reviews with Modern Mississauga as a sneaky way to get wheels out of town whenever the mood strikes me. My most recent win-win scenario was taking a 2021 Subaru Forester up near the lakes North-West of Algonquin park.

Being 6 feet tall, Shane can easily see over the steering wheel

I’d never driven a Subaru before, and while my first inclination was to force my passenger to go full rally mode, I was quickly reminded that she’s not much of a navigator and I’m not much of a driver. More importantly, while the Subaru handled well, I was far more impressed with its luxurious comforts and smooth-as-silk suspension. Whether cruising along the 400 or romping through the back woods, the car seemed to adjust to my every need. It had all the bells and whistles to make a long drive infinitely more tolerable – active cruise/lane assist, wicked sound system, and more buttons than a robotics engineer could figure out in a weekend – and was able to gear up the torque when I needed to do some slightly more aggressive hauling through the lake back roads. My only gripe was that the Forester’s alarm system was beeping at me so frequently that I began to ignore it, and was quickly reminded of my time studying alarm fatigue in digital health systems.

2. Complete a PMP Certification
“Even one missed thing can mean planning failure. Especially if that thing was beer.”

Shane is a self-proclaimed Project Management Professional, blending traditional and modern techniques

Though we all glorify long weekends for being moments of escape and relaxation, the reality is that they require a great deal of planning to run smoothly. Whether coordinating food, drink, beds, equipment, or activities, a lot of work can go into planning even a few days by the lake. If you’re with a group, even monitoring who bought what, collecting receipts, and following up on who owes who what can be a real pain in the ass. A quaint little weekend escape with four people could mean nearly a week of planning, coordinating, and following up.

A good mooch helps with planning, a great mooch owns planning. Though it may feel like a thankless task, the wise cottage owner will recognize the value you bring together with your attention to detail, nagging personality, and OCD-level focus on tasks to be done. The best part is that even if you don’t get invited back to the cottage, you could always apply for a job project managing multi-billion-dollar aerospace programs.

3. Make Yourself Indispensable
“No one likes doing the dishes. This is when you strike.”

Beyond the administration and planning required around the weekend, there are countless tasks that everyone hates, which we all view as little more than a distraction from bellyflopping onto your sunburn because you got White Claw wasted. While the urge to be a drunken spectacle is always high at the cottage, true believers know that the first person to get an invite back is the one always willing to take it for the team.

You’ll be the first to jump on dirty dishes, nodding enthusiastically when you’re asked to help put in the dock, swinging an axe at firewood like it murdered your parents, and leading the charge on cleanup on the last day. You’ll also be the top of mind when the cottage owner is thinking about who to bring up next time; the person who got shit done or the person that drank a 24 and passed out on the dock.

4. Bring a Talent
“The court jester is always the last to be killed… unless they’re bad.”

The only exception to my comment above about passing out on the dock is if your host finds your drunken shenanigans entertaining. While you want to do you utmost to help with functional tasks and planning, it is important to remember that you also want everyone to have a good time. This means that when you’re not scrubbing burnt pots or giving up the queen bed for a top bunk, you need to be the life of the party.

I use the term ‘talent’ loosely because it can encompass many things and should be aligned to the desires of your host. If there’s cliff diving, learn how to backflip. If it’s bonfire night, bust out the guitar and campfire tunes. If it’s a rainy day, come prepared with an endless supply of board games, drinking games, and fun ideas to keep the crew engaged. The only thing better than an organized hard worker at the cottage is one that can do all those things while putting a smile on your face.

5. Make New Friends
“A wise mooch always has backups.”

After over a year in lockdown due to COVID-19, most of us likely don’t remember how to be our charismatic, social selves. And though we still must adhere to physical distancing guidelines in place during the (hopefully) tail-end of the pandemic, as arms get vaccines and guidelines loosen, everyone wants to make new friends. When the neighbours are having a morning coffee on the beach, wave hello ask how they’re doing. When the cute guys across the bay are using tubing as a display of their manhood, applaud vigorously whenever someone gets pulled into a whiplash and flips end-over-end. When you pass another canoer or kayaker on the water, give a solemn, ever-knowing nod to indicate that you understand the weird, shared connection people doing the same activity outdoors feel.

Who knows? One of these interactions might spark up an interesting conversation and form the beginnings of a new friendship. Assuming everyone is being safe around COVID, at best case, you could be making connections with key neighbours at your host’s cottage. In the worst case, you could be making yourself strategic new friends just in case your unappreciative host decides to not invite you back after driving their lazy asses to and from the cottage, planning everything, taking care of thankless tasks, and entertaining the group for the weekend. It’s great to have a friend with a cottage, but a wise mooch always has backups.

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5 Easy Steps to Cottage Mooching

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