A terrible crime has been committed. Where were you the night of July 7, 2022?

"That one's easy. I spent all night in the ER because I got a hernia from spending all day at the passport office. At some point I contracted five variants of COVID simultaneously. The nurse told me it was a new record! A horrible, horrible record." --Vicky Patel, distinguished professor

"Ran into a guy named Don. What are the chances?" --Don Fieldstone, cereal entrepreneur

"Eating one of thirteen consecutive pecans. I set a personal best that night." --Aisha Faheem, travel blogger

"The same place I'm at every Thursday night: the City Hall parking garage, skulking around, keying the cars of my political enemies. Aw, geez... is that Patrick Brown again?” —the Masked Scratcher, identity withheld

"City Hall, submitting my paperwork to run for mayor of Mississauga in this year's municipal elections. I have a good feeling about this one." --Patrick Brown, hapless Bramptonian

"Not much. Clown stuff." --Nibbles, psychotic clown

"Couldn't have been me. I was stuck on the tarmac at Pearson from June 27 to July 13. Some say I remain there to this day, wailing in agony about the unbearable inconvenience of the ArriveCAN app." --an eerie presence, a mournful sound

"Certainly not sabotaging my chief rival's telecom network during a routine maintenance upgrade, if that's what you're implying. I have my own company's lacklustre, overpriced services to worry about, thank you very much." --Mirko Bibic, President and CEO of Bell Canada

"Jacking cars. Wait, was that the wrong answer?" --Billy Bardo, part-time felon

"On the couch, bingeing Stranger Things season 4 on all my devices. Did you know that Netflix has to pay every Kate Bush $0.0017 each time they play ‘Running Up That Hill’? It's because they don't know which one of us owns the rights. That's a little secret between Kates." --Kate Bush, produce inspector

"I was out for a walk. I looked across the street and made eye contact with this French bulldog at the exact moment it squeezed out a fat, slimy, golden-brown turd on my neighbour's lawn. I went right back home and spent the rest of the night in a cold shower, sobbing.” —Melanie Choi, business analyst

"Let me put it this way. You’ve heard of ska, right?" --Rishi Framboise, three-time employee of the month, Starbucks Heartland Town Centre

"I’ll give you a hint. It starts with a B and ends with a B. It’s bees!" --Michelle Brandner, loves bees

"I was just passing through on my way to Austin. Barely had enough time to impregnate a single female executive, let alone commit a terrible crime." --Elon Musk, Twitter personality

"Social media." --Gord Humphries, radicalized boomer

“Picking up my endorsement fee from Doug Ford's constituency office. This Hurricane ain’t gonna spin without a fresh set of wheels!” —Hazel McCallion, municipal grandma

“What’s it to ya? It's a free country, buddy. Least it used to be. Used to be I could do whatever I want without some socialist crybaby calling me 'morally vacuous' or 'essentially moronic' or insisting I recognize the consequences of my actions. Go to hell, Trudeau!" —McKayleigh Faberthorpe, convoyageuse

"How fascinating, this moribund obsession with retribution. The deed is done; what good comes from punishing the alleged offender? Does that somehow undo the damage? I despair for a society that invests its finite resources in the post facto pursuit of so-called 'justice' instead of eliminating the economic conditions that drive criminal behaviour in the first place. Oh, but what am I going on about? I don't talk to cops." --Juno Benitez, podcast subscriber

"Makin' sauce, babyyyyy!" -- Tony Rigatoni, Italian

Thank you for your cooperation. We have all the information we need to make an arrest. Peel Regional Police are on their way to your location now.